Do you still carry old wounds from people that hurt you, whether they meant it or not. Holding on to that stuff makes your life worse not theirs.
Psychologists typically define forgiveness as a conscious and intentional choice to let go of feelings of resentment or revenge towards an individual or group that has caused you harm, irrespective of their worthiness of your forgiveness. It involves a deliberate effort to set aside negative emotions towards someone who has wronged, been unjust, or inflicted pain upon us. The focus of forgiveness lies with the individual granting it, rather than the one receiving it. Engaging in forgiveness can serve as a means to alleviate the emotional burden we have been carrying, allowing us to move on with our life. Pain is challenging; it is uncomfortable, and being overwhelmed by negative emotions can be exhausting. Forgiveness offers us a sense of composure and liberates us from self-destructive anger. This process empowers us to acknowledge the suffering we have endured without allowing it to define our identity, facilitating healing and enabling us to move forward in life.
Forgiving others can be a chance to move past the hurt and toward a sense of peace. If you’re like me, the very thought of forgiving an enemy probably makes you feel uneasy. This doesn’t make you a bad person—it just makes you human. Forgiveness is emotionally difficult because evolution has endowed us with the psychological motivation to avoid being exploited by others, and the easiest way to prevent exploitation is to hit back or simply avoid the exploiter. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we have to forget what happened, it is not simply accepting what happened or ceasing to be angry. When we forgive someone, we are choosing to release our feelings of hurt or resentment, but that doesn’t have to wipe our memory clean, it just means that we release our feelings of resentment - not that we pretend it never happened.
It involves a voluntary shift in our feelings, attitudes, and behaviour, so that we are no longer dominated by resentment, anger and all those other emotions that drain us so much and stop us moving on or being happy. Experts who study or teach forgiveness make clear that when we forgive, we do not gloss over or deny the seriousness of an offense against us. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did was ok. It’s right to remember that we were hurt and keep it in mind when interacting with this person. Just because we forgive someone doesn't mean we have to trust them again. Though forgiveness can help repair a damaged relationship, it doesn’t obligate us to reconcile with the person who harmed us. It’s absolutely possible to rebuild trust with someone, but both parties need to be on board. It’s okay to choose not to trust someone who has harmed us.
Engaging in forgiveness can serve as a significant opportunity to ease the emotional burdens we have been carrying. The experience of pain can be overwhelming and distressing, often leading to a cycle of negative thoughts and feelings that can be exhausting. It frequently results in a cycle of negative emotions and thoughts that can be draining. Conversely, the process of forgiveness provides a sense of peace and frees us from the harmful hold of resentment & anger. Embracing forgiveness presents a valuable chance to lighten the emotional weight we have been shouldering.
Remember - This is for you, not them.
Engaging in this process means taking charge of your emotional landscape, shifting away from feelings that hinder your progress. By doing so, you create space to thrive and enjoy life more fully without the shadows of past grievances.
Forgiving someone doesn’t make you a better person or magically heal you, but I guarantee it will make you feel better.
Having said all that, however good it is, it's tough!
I'm very much a pragmatist, much more into practical solutions than happy clappy stuff.
This is a simple process that I have found makes the process relatively painless. It might seem a bit strange, or even a bit too woo-woo - much like whale music and bell ringing at first, but bear with me and try it.
Ho'oponopono is a traditional Hawaiian practice that is centred on forgiveness it is roughly translated as ‘make things right’ or ‘make things move back to balance’.
It is a very simple process;
The first step is to recognize your own responsibility for creating everything in your life, (by this I mean that often, when we look back at when someone has wronged us, if we are honest, we can see that we played a part in what happened too). Don’t get hung up on it, just accept that you may have played a part.
Then just say the following words while thinking about the person that wronged you
I'm sorry,
forgive me,
thank you,
I love you.
Believe me, at first the words will stick in your throat. Don’t judge, just do it.
Keep repeating this like a mantra until you feel a change in how you feel,
you will,
trust me.
For some hurts I’ve had to do this process a few times on different days but it has honestly worked so much better than I expected.
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